Everyone gets the same hug and pat on the back

Why is it that I keep my guard up around everyone?
Even my closest friends are more like acquaintance than close friends should be.
I'm forever scrambling to strengthen those bonds but part of me feels like I lack the proper training. I lack the tools to have that type of meaningful connection with anyone. Try as I might to say what I truly feel and react to the moment, I end up trying to get everyone to like me at the time. I worry about saying the wrong thing and alienating somebody.

I can always see it coming. It's the same thing everytime.
Bend over backwards to impress
Build false expectations
attempt to live up to them
come off as phony
the end


Continuous connection

We crave communication. We crave connections.
Have we become saturated in communication? The fact that I am discussing this in a blog is rather ironic, I know.

When I turn on my computer the first thing I do is check to see if I have new email, then I check for friends on IM and message boards. If I feel I am alone, I am often disappointed. What is it about this connection that is so satisfying? I think it has to do with our culture of instant gratification. I can instantly feel less lonely if I know that a peer is out there somewhere engaging in the same type of activity as me. My existence is somehow validated when I get a response.

I think that this need for constant communication has become unhealthy. I deprives us of our ability to, as we did when we were kids, entertain ourselves and be creative. When was the last time you sketched something on a piece of paper? When was the last time you just sat in a chair without the tv on? When was the last time you went an entire day w/o speaking to someone else?

Constant communication is unhealthy because it robs us of our self. It forces us to make decisions in front of others, rather than in private. We are all affected by our surroundings and unconsciously alter our internal dialogue to fit the situation.

I am going to start a practice of giving myself more time to find myself. Meditation, long walks, reading books, etc. There is no need to feel sorry for yourself when you are alone. You are lucky to have that time. Embrace it.


inside and out

You tell people what you think. You explain how you feel. You build stories around the way you think you should be.

Then there's the unconscious. It's so easy to fog out your real self with stories and ego.

The more you explain, the less you remember about how you really feel. The more you talk about it, the less real the feelings become. The more you describe it, the less you can remember how you came to those conclusions in the first place.

That's when you need to hit the reset button. Step back. Stop thinking. Let your head speak to you.


I cause stress

I sometimes don't think ahead. This time I have managed to upset my girlfriend and I am sure to stress out my dog. My two best friends have been caused stress because I am short sighted and a poor planner.

I think it will all work out. Lakota is at the boarding kennel now and I even have him scheduled for grooming. He'll be all clipped and cleaned when I pick him up on Monday.


Knowing you are going to die

Another dream...
I dreamt I had an un-specified illness and was going to the doctor to be "put down". I was in the car with my family, driving to the hospital, and for some reason I was very calm. I woke up this morning at peace but I did not remember the dream until my drive to work. I felt I had overcome some of the static, background fear of death that floats around in the back of my unconscious. I feel less afraid of death today after this dream.


I dreamt I was an astronaut

This morning between 6:30 and 8am, I had a fantastic dream. Not only did David Bowie stop by my home studio to record a voice over for a NASA film, but I myself was chosen as a "scout" for a shuttle mission. I don't remember take off, I don't remember landing, but I remember the feeling of weightlessness. At one point I said to my fellow space travelers, "I haven't even done a backflip in space yet" and proceeded to do several flips in 0gs. The strongest feeling I took away from the dream, was the reception after we returned home. I remember feeling so proud. I remember looking for my girlfriend in the stands and running up to embrace her. I was supposed to make a speech but David Bowie's film ran long and then the alarm woke me up.


in the garage

I seem to relish the process of setting up the ability to create. I love creating an environment where productive things can happen. I have studio in my basement for my band to record in. I love tearing everything apart and re-wiring it all with the goal of cleaning and organizing and the side benefit of gaining a greater understanding of how everything works.
This past weekend, I took on the task of re-organizing my garage. Before I knew it, the entire contents of my meager one car garage had erupted into the drive way. Old curtain rods, lumber, old tires, tools, failed projects, half finished projects, future projects, a lawn mower, buckets, garbage cans, jugs of motor oil, and enough random stuff to fill an isle at ax-man surplus. This is the kind project that you find yourself in the middle of before you realize it. 4 hours into it, I had 12 hours to go, not to mention a trip to home depot and several hours of standing around scratching my head.
My garage is now a hung, wrapped, stacked, and shop-vac clean.

Where is the motivation to build that bird house?